I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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