the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
