WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
