I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
