I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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