a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
