the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
