i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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