sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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