You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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