have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
