feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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