somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
