I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
