A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
