I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you have to choose: penises or morals?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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