It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
