Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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