I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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