So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
