there's paper in my vomit.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
