I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
