Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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