it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
