First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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