EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
