She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
