Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
