I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
