Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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