I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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