Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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