K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
