so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
