I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
