mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
