Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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