Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
