You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I did not marry a roomba.
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