So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
