i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
