I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
