you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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