walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
