Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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