it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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