turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
