i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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