So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
