She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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