1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
