there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
