His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
