you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
