i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize