I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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