I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
