My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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