I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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