conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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