I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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