remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
