btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
