I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
