good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
