I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
